Hiya folks. We have all heard about the "Poker Gods" at one point or another in our poker lives. Sooooo, who exactly are the Poker Gods. Seems to me, we ought to know them by name. But a curious thing happened on my entrance into the church of POKER.....no one there knew the names of the gods that they prayed to, and cursed so freely. In fact, fights broke out quite often once someone tried to label the gods.

I know, it's screwy. godhood should not be this weird, yet the masses still flock to them.

So here is my report, of what I saw in the church of POKER.

Ok, first off, there is this huge statue of a donkey in front of the place. How the sculpture managed to combine a snickering grin with mortal embarrassment, well, it is a work of art. Now the curious thing was that most of the adherents to the church of POKER were assembled around the Donkey statue, in front of the church. I interviewed a lot of them, and yes, they were church of POKER adherents, and yes they believed in the Poker Gods, and no, the Donkey was not a Poker God.

A large part of the Donkey crowd was throwing tomatos and excretment at the donkey along with loud cursing, finger shaking, and hurling absurd challenges at the Donkey. A subset was kneeling in submission, vowing never to play poker again. Another group was vowing to keep playing but wanted to shout at everyone how it "was all rigged" (and that group had a sub-set that claimed the "rigging" was only at certain sites). Then you had the Hare Krishna happy group shouting, "I am a donkey, I love it". Then you had the "Donk Buster" crowd that reveled in sneering at the Donkey, even going so far as to make pokerroom nicks such as "donk123killer". Of course there was a tourist section where players said "I don't get it, I won". There was even a small section were serious poker players were berating the Donkey cause the donkey had 12 outs and they had 14 outs. There was even a group of players that were chanting "when I call someone a donkey, it's cause I love them"

Well, it's quite dizzying standing around that Donkey statue. No matter what, someone is grabbing you by the lapels of your jacket, shouting "did you see that?"

Feeling quite ill, I proceeded into the halls of the church of Poker. Instantly I was calmed and relieved. First off, dictums were delicately and intrically carved into the marble with all sorts of math equations labeled "Pot Odds" and "Hand Odds". This was making sense to me now! AA wins 80% of the time...weeeeeeeeeeee. As I advanced into the building, I was greeted by yet more math....implied odds, and reverse implied odds, and Outs(which is not the "exit sign" but in an ironic sense is).

I got to the main room, and hooo boy, it's not like a regular church where you can sit in the back. Hell the first thing they ask you at seating is "Position"? Like that matters, hehe. Well turns out it does, as they change your seat after every hand. As Playful would say...."BS".

So, once you get used to the rhythm of that, well, u are seated, so to speak. God, I was excited, finally able to see the Poker Gods. Anyway, they come in no particular order. I am sure I missed some, but here are the ones I saw:

Riverus: This Poker God seems to rule the roost. he never begins anything, but he sure ends it. He comes , He goes, He Makes, He Breaks. He don't give a shit.

Flushter: This Poker God has a lot of power. As fickle as can be, but lures many with odds to worship him. He also has that huge "but it's SUITED" chior.

Straightster: This Poker God has power. Of course the Flushter sneers with that 1 out advantage. and Straightster has those many faces, like, open-ended, gut-shot, and idiot end. God, who knows with this god.

Boatman: This Poker God will maybe show up anytime a pair is on the board. He delights in having 7's full of nines beat by 9's full of sevens.

Tripster: This Poker God has a lot of followers. You got pocket 22, you pray to him.

BBS: This Poker God lurks only in the Big Blind. Can beat any other Poker God when He feels like it

WTF:.This Poker God loves to make you say WTF?

Bluffer: This Poker God demands commitment

Jokester: This Poker God likes to play the other Poker Gods and You in an intricate hand and then hand off the regins to WTF.

FlopANut: This Poker God loves to flop u a Nut, then take it away.

Well, those were just a few I saw. After the session, I managed to get an exclusive interview with the head Poker God, VARIENCE, boy was I excited. I asked him what the secret to Poker was, he said "Meh, go see the donkey"

omg this was great thanks villa.   but the closing was without a doubt my favorite!!  go see the donkey might make that my motto!!


peace   asz